Article for Male Survivor - January 2010 - MaleSurvivor.org

Like so many other people, we have learned that life has twists and turns that cannot be foreseen. Sometimes there are very good happenings, and other times there are not. What is ultimately important is how we choose to live our lives, validate our experiences and reach out to others who are going through difficulties and times of struggle. We remain committed to this end-to helping people wherever and whenever we are privileged to do so, in any capacity we are able. While Lee and I (Marybeth) are writing this article together, we have decided that I will speak in the first person, as most of the events were primarily experienced by David and me, together. Lee's voice, however is clearly heard throughout, as he has remained a steadfast partner and friend, and has supported David in a manner I not only admire, but am daily grateful for.

When our young son, David (now 12, then 8) shared with us what was happening to him, at the hands of a much older juvenile, it was surreal. It was one of those moments that is forever captured in a person's mind. We will never forget that moment, or how it instantly changed every aspect of our lives. I remember such a myriad of thoughts all jumbling together immediately, and in the first few moments, I felt like I was in a dream and was trying to awaken too quickly. David came to us at 11 PM to tell us about this, and hearing words tumble from his mouth that no child should even be familiar with, was the single-most defining moment of my life, to date. And the most beautiful moment of my life was afterward, when we tucked David into bed with his favorite stuffed frog, and he immediately went to sleep. It was as if he could rest for the first time in many months. The privilege of being his parents, at that moment, has never left us.

The following morning I called our local police department, and they sent an officer right over. We chose to send David to the program he regularly attends, as we felt it would be best for him to continue on in his routine. The officer was wonderful, and in the days that followed we visited the Child Advocacy Center, where we learned that things were much more dire that we had originally known. Although the magnitude and scope of what David had endured was shocking and painful, it was also welcomed knowledge so that we knew what had happened, and how we could best help him. My first stop was to the Male Survivor website, which I found online. I immediately registered, and introduced myself as a mom of a son who had disclosed abuse. I was driven to gather as much information as I could, to seek out as many resources as possible, and to leave no stone unturned in my quest to help David. The wonderful readers at Male Survivor did exactly that for me. Because David is a boy, I felt the starting point should be to turn to other males who could offer help, tips, support, and share with me struggles David may encounter, that I may overlook, being a female. I didn't know for sure if that would be the case, but then again, I knew nothing except that the drive was so strong to help David, that I had to learn whatever I could. Lee was in full agreement, and remains as grateful as I am for the help we received from the good people at this website.

David entered counseling immediately and remained in counseling for two years. The counselor we visited and ultimately chose, was a good match for him, and he was comfortable with her. We tried initially to have him meet with her one-on-one, but in the early days, he wanted his dad and me in with him. So that is what we did, which helped us as well. Initially David didn't want to share with her, but when he did begin to talk, he came to the realization that, although it was very painful, it was good for him to talk and he felt better afterward. What was stunning for Lee and me over the next couple of years, was that whenever David thought of something, or was reminded of something, he had to get it out because he had learned that for him, it made him feel a bit better to talk about it. He instantly found one of us (usually me because I was most often with him, while Lee was working) and as children will do, just immediately spilled what was on his mind. I learned early on to brace myself whenever he sought me out, because there was no way of knowing if he was going to say something innocuous, such as could a friend come over, or if he was going to talk about something that had happened to him. Regardless of what he said, or how painful it was to hear, I was profoundly grateful that David was working diligently to help himself, in a manner in which he felt comfortable. After he shared, he would continue on with whatever he was doing. The counselor pointed out that perhaps it was because David trusted us so much, he could say it, cry, or do whatever he needed to do, and leave it with us to process. It was as though it was his way of knowing what his own heart and mind needed. To this day he will periodically do this, and when something comes up that reminds him of that time, he will repeat this process. He knows that this is a reality he will revisit through the years, and he does this to keep his heart and mind safe, in the manner with which he feels most comfortable.

After two years, David came to us and said we needed to help other children. He didn't say he wanted to, he said WE needed to. He had a strong drive to do so, and we in turn, had a strong drive to protect him. We recognized his need to do this, and thought maybe a story using a pen name, or fictional characters, could help other children. We were most willing to help him accomplish his goal of using this to help children-we just didn't want any more pain or grief for him. David liked the idea of a story, but wanted his real name and picture on the book. We wrote a list of pros and cons, and ultimately six months later, David decided he definitely did want his name and picture on the book. His premise was that how could other children know it is REALLY safe to tell, if he used another name, and no picture? He said children are smart, and would wonder why he was hiding, if it really is safe to tell. It was very scary for us at first, but surprisingly, his counselor agreed. She took several weeks to think about it, and to observe him when he met with her, and ultimately, she agreed that David had done the hard work of disclosing this, had been willing to testify if needed to help other kids, and now wanted to do this children's book. She felt it was cathartic for him, and he had a strong pull to do this. She gave her blessing (and in fact, has endorsed the second book.) It is important to mention here that this would certainly not be everyone's choice. But because David had been so vocal from the moment of disclosure, and throughout the two-plus years, his counselor had an excellent grasp on who he is as a person, how he was doing, and his deep desire to help other children. It was as though, during this time period, this was what David needed. It was partly his way of regaining control of his life. Today, he is delighted when he hears the book helped a child, but does not have the same strong drive to be involved. He is emphatic that we continue, as his parents, but for him, he is content to know we are helping others. His focus, today, is on being a twelve year old (who gave a girl six roses for Christmas!), video games, skateboarding, and above all-playing the drums. He still is happy to receive a compliment about his book, and is quick to give his thanks to anyone who has purchased one, as well as use his best penmanship when signing one. But he has passed the mantle onto us, and that is as it should be. Nothing pleases us more than to see David goofing around with his friends, talking about his upcoming sledding party, and generally being a great and awesome person. And while David does think about this from time to time, mostly his thoughts are that something should be done to hold juvenile offenders more accountable. (If the offender had been a matter of months older, he would have received 90 years in prison, from our understanding. He was arrested on three aggravated felonies.) And while there is a lot of truth to what David says, the focus for Lee and me is helping survivors. Our goal is to help children of who it is suspected (or known) are being abused, and to encourage them to tell. And our primary focus is on parenting our three sons and bringing them to healthy and well-adjusted adulthoods.

So we began writing. David's Sword was actually written quite quickly. We are people of faith, and David himself wanted this component included. We did realize that many of the readers of this small book would not share our faith, but we included it to honor David's great source of strength. Since it was his story, fictionally told, we included it. We did, however, put a paragraph at the beginning that although it is faith-based, it is written in such a manner that children of all faiths will be comfortable reading. Important to us was the knowledge that many offenders use religion and matters of faith as a way to silence children and to threaten them. Hence we felt both could be accomplished by handling it in this manner, and children of all faiths could embrace the book. The people at our Child Advocacy Center agreed and have promoted David's Sword for this reason. We have received such support from both the faith community and the general community, and I think the reason for that is because we all share an important goal, regardless of religious affiliations. That goal is to set children free. Two surprising occurrences have come out of the book. The first is the number of adult survivors who have disclosed for the first time after reading David's story, and the number of people we know personally who have shared with us privately what had happened to them, their child, grandchild, etc. Things we never knew before. We were saddened to hear it, but above all, we were honored they shared something so deeply personal with us.

David's Sword is the first book in a series of four. It is written in an easy-to-read manner, to grasp children's interest and carry them along. It is also tastefully done so no children will be traumatized in any manner. This book was endorsed by a police detective, the top sexual abuse medical expert in our state, a counselor, a minister, and others. The second, David's Shield, will be released this spring. David's Shield is written to the siblings of survivors. Siblings encounter and deal with a myriad of feelings and thoughts, and this book is written especially for these kids. There are millions of survivors, so of course, there are even more siblings. It is David's brothers (Dan and Mark's) story, and is written through the eyes of a football quarterback. It is warm and engaging, and tastefully written. Most kids are not going to want to pick up a book to read about this topic, so we chose to write it this way. It is safe and encouraging, and as with David's Sword, David's Shield has our son Dan as the main author. Dan is a football player, and this book reflects his journey through this time. Our oldest son Mark has Autism, and we incorporate Dan's efforts to help his brother into the storyline. It has been endorsed by award-winning singer/songwriter Natalie Grant, who also has a foundation that supports the eradication of human trafficking, New England Patriots former linebacker, current coach and chaplain Don Davis, and other fine people, including David's former counselor who is an expert in the field of sexual abuse. David's Shield helps the siblings understand they are not alone, these feelings are normal, and carries them to a place where they can come to terms with it, and shows them that they can take proactive steps to keep themselves emotionally healthy and receive some relief from the feelings they are enduring. It validates them and their struggles, and encourages them to see they are quite normal in their thinking, and there is hope after such devastation to their family and their lives. It most importantly encourages them to look at their sibling the way they always have, and how that honors both themselves and their sibling. The final two books in the series help the parents and community at large. They are in the process of being written.

David and we have been honored to be a guest on several radio shows, and to speak at our local Child Advocacy Center's fund raising dinner this past spring. David is at ease in these situations (he is an outgoing child) and has thought it to be especially cool to meet several police chiefs and other officials in our area. David's picture sits in a frame on a desk of an executive at Disney, and a judge in Florida who sits on the board of a local charity has called David her hero. Amidst the kudos, one important and clearly-defined truth remains. David is a survivor, and there are millions upon millions who have blazed the trail before he was ever born, to create awareness, so our child knew it was safe to tell. David has simply picked up the mantle, carried it, and handed it to us. When he is an adult, he may or may not choose to work in a field related to helping children, but I will close with a story that sums up best, the help he has given to children already, and the gratitude for the support we received, and have in turn passed on to others.

We received an email (via the book's website) from a mom in Maryland last year. Her young son (11) had attempted suicide and through the course of the days that followed, he shared with her that he had been being abused for some time. This mom shared with a close friend of hers, and the friend had picked up a copy of David's Sword. The mom brought it home and read it, and then read it with her son the next day. He said "Look Mom, he is a REAL boy. This same thing happened to him and he's real!" The boy went on to say that David was just like him, and if David could deal with this, then so could he. The boy agreed to go to a counselor, and began journaling. He kept David's Sword in the journal so he could receive encouragement from it. The last we heard the boy is still in counseling and receiving the help he deserves. He is to commended for his strength and his courage.

We are grateful to Male Survivor, not only for the website which opened up a world of help for me (and ultimately for David and Lee), but also for the privilege of sharing our story with you here. We are aware that without everyone's help, the assistance of good care, good people, and the example of those who have gone before us, we would not have had the tools to help us, which in turn were able to help David. If anyone is interested in purchasing an autographed copy of the book, or being on an email list for the second book's arrival announcement, please drop us a line at david@davidssword.com

David, Lee and Marybeth Elliott